Rihanna is from Barbados. You are looking at it from the lens of an American woman. Until you live in Barbados and know the cultural norms and expectations of treatment between the sexes, then you will not understand why Rihanna is "sticking by her man" when 99% of American women would dump his wife-beating ass and press charges.

Anyone familiar with Barbados?

Maybe everyone should let them try to work it out, and not judge. Yes, he hit her, and yes no man should ever put his hands on a woman, but I believe we all need to look at how he was raised. It's been proven that children who are exposed to childhood trauma whether it be ( violence, parent that drink or do drugs , or have been molested) tend to follow those example, and might act out later in life . If they haven't doubt with their issues in the past. If he does get help and she understands his issues from his past. They might be able to be stronger and work though it as, a couple, but if not she needs to get the hell away from him. It no excuse that it's from his past but, everyone deserves a second chance if their willing to change, and I also do not feel she's wrong for sticking by him since she does love him.

Rachel, Your post reminds me of the old joke where a social worker comes across a person lying bloodied in the street. Said social worker reels in horror when seeing what appears to be broken bones and serious lacerations. Social worker asks "What happened dear friend?" The injured person says " i was beaten within an inch of my life and left for dead... for no reason at all!" Social worker says "This is horrible! Just horrible! We need to find the person who did this to you. He needs help!"

Jamie, Understand where your coming from, and I'm not looking at it from a Social worker point of view, but from someone who, has worked with abused children or children who have seen abuse in their home , and according to Chris Brown background. His mother was beat a lot. I'm not saying this excuses his actions , but if they as a couple can work though it. I do believe he needs a lot of counseling/anger management classes , and he should serve some time in jail and also have to volunteer his time for to a cause abuse women and child in the community and to prove himself to her and the community first before they can even think about being a couple again He definitely has major issues,but does that warrant putting him in exile forever people can change if they desire to be better, and most people are not perfect and do have issues in their lifes. I believe she also needs to go to counseling to decided what she wants and why she wants them. To make the right choices for herself without pressure from anyone including him.

Admittedly I'm way too jaded to be troubled by such incidents. Seen it way too many times in real life as recently as last week. Still, it never ceases to mystify me why an individual, male or female would tolerate such abuse. After the first time my sympathy for that person all but evaporates. At that point it becomes a choice pathological as it may be. Sad as it is you cannot save someone from themselves.

The rule about domestic violence should always be, one strike and you're out. The abusive male thinks he's entitled to exert violence over women as a method of domination. He and anyone who exerts violence in a relationship should know ahead of time that it is a line that should never be crossed, and that consequences will be severe and final.

@lestadelc

I have 30 + years experience as a mental health counselor and have seen entirely too much up close of domestic violence. And I agree it occasionally comes from the female side of the gender. But the same rule should apply about zero tolerance.

@ YoungOregonMoonbat:

Your statement : "when 99% of American women would dump his wife-beating ass and press charges" just goes to show how little you know about domestic violence in America. Only 20% of women seek restraining orders against their partners. Not every woman responds as Carla did and decides to leave the situation. Many women opt to stay, for one reason or another. Often, women stay because their partner threatens them or their children, or they are totally isolated from family and friends and have nowhere to go. Many of these abusers practice extraordinary emotional abuse, tearing down their partner to the point that they feel they have no choice but to stay.

Until you've been there, you can't understand all that these women go through. Some men experience this as well- some statistics say that as many as 15% of men are victims of domestic violence as well.

As much as I'd like to see every woman be able to stand up to their abusers the way Carla did by getting out of the situation, it just doesn't happen at a rate of 99%.

It's bothered me deeply that a woman of means and talent would return to a man who abused her. It's not something I understand.

Would it bother you if she were chosen to be Secretary of State? Understand how Obama would consider her to have the negotiating judgment to represent the US?

Now, maybe the man that did it is the one I want sitting across teh table from the Russians and Iranians...

Stockholm Syndrome.

I have dealt with many people who have been abused in relationships (yes, that includes both genders and other orientations). The saying that comes to mind in these cases is: "First time you are a victim. Thereafter you are a volunteer."

Relationships are incredibly complex and I don't think anyone can understand every aspect of Rhianna's role, especially viewed through the lens of Extra! or other tabloids.

I wish them well.

Carla,

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Good for you for walking away and standing up for yourself!

Thanks for sharing Carla. I've always enjoyed your posts as thought provoking, informative, and well researched/supported. I can't imagine what domestic violence is like, but I do know that talking about how wrong it is and that there is always help available is incredibly important. Victims should know that there are always crisis centers and other resources available to get yourself safe and away from abusers. For the life of me, I can't imagine why a victim would go back to their abuser and hope that I never have to find out. Thanks again Carla.

I was not in a physically abusive relationship, but was in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship... For 14 years. In my post marriage counseling, my counselor compared my emotional state to those with "Battered Spouse Syndrome." My understanding is that BSS, usually, is referred to as a defense for a violent crime as retaliation against the person that has abused them. While I did not commit any kind of retaliation, my demeanor was that of an abused child. No self esteem. No self confidence. I turned all issues into my fault.

The thought process of staying in an abusive relationship is not logical. So to try and logically deduct why Rihanna would stay in the relationship is an exercise in futility.

From personal experience it was about my self esteem, or lack there of. It was out of fear that I'd have to start over, or that I wouldn't be able to have a normal relationship. People told me along the way that I needed help. People told me I shouldn't put up with it. Somewhere in my mind, I victimized my spouse and convinced myself it wasn't her fault. Yes, I said "her," which means to make the whole issue more difficult and embarrassing for me, I am a man who is not supposed to be abused. At first I was embarrassed and confused. Sometimes I still am. One of the most helpful things for me was to find groups of others out there, both men and women, that had walked in my shoes.

Well, Carla, after 14 years, I bought new shoes. With some counseling, a lot of reading, and several attempts to try on my old shoes, I made it. Occasionally I still look at the old shoes. Once in a while I even put them on and my new wife reminds me that those belong in the trash. Speaking metaphorically, of course, I just mean that occasionally I still act like the victim I used to be when my new wife and I have a disagreement.

My new wife is fantastic. She is the perfect mix for me. She has reintroduced me to my natural masculinity. I feel blessed, and honestly, very lucky.

Pardon my long ramble. My point is that, while I find it hard to understand how Rihanna, or any abused man or woman, can stay in that relationship and justify it, I can understand it. Your post is thought provoking and brings to light an issue that is very serious and needs more publicity to lend strength to those that need to throw the old shoes away.

For the life of me, I can't imagine why a victim would go back to their abuser and hope that I never have to find out.

Abusers don't punch and scratch on the first date. They wait until you are really hooked -- you might have a full year (or more) of good times, affection, friendship, family relationships and other good things to draw on when you weigh whether you want to give someone another chance. They say they're sorry, and they probably are. Several months may go by with no problems, and then bam.

It's very confusing, especially when all the world thinks you're with a great guy (a la strong and smiling O.J. Simpson.) You think, "gee, if he were a bad guy, he wouldn't have all of this adoration from the community ... it must be something about me."

I wrote an essay in college about my experience with (granted, very minor) abuse and shared the essay with my class for feedback. After an hour-long discussion, everyone handed me their written comments. Fully half of the women in my class wrote in their comments to me that they had experienced a very similar problem but were too embarrassed to talk about it in front of the class.

I was shocked and saddened to know how may of my fellow students had also experienced abuse and were hiding it. These (and I) were strong, capable women with a lot going for us. None of us thought that would ever happen to us. It's #$%^-ed up, and anyone who judges is lucky to never have gone through it.

Abusers generally don't physically abuse the victim until the relationship is established, until they feel a psychological upper hand in the relationship---so much so that they don't expect that their victim will leave them even if they hurt the victim. They also use that "breaking in" period to isolate the victim from family and friends and tell the victim that they are worthless/stupid/incapable. Soon the victim feels that they are to blame---after all, the abuser has reasons why they are hurting them ("You didn't cook dinner the way I liked" "You talked to that guy and I don't like that"). They are ashamed and thus hide the bruises/abuse from others, fearing judgment/condemnation ("What did you do to make him hurt you?" "Why didn't you leave?"). It's called an abuse CYCLE for a reason. You are beaten/harmed and told it's your fault. You tell someone who often responds with "What did you do?" or "Why did he do that?" which implies that you are somehow at fault, you start doubting yourself even more (remember, your self-esteem is already trashed by the abuser), you decide maybe you DID do something to help contribute to the situation. By then the abuser has apologized (again) and promised it will NEVER happen again and reminds you of all the good times you've had...and you think "you know, if I just don't do XXXX, he won't hit me again" and so you stay. But you don't realize that XXXX has nothing to do with the abuse---it's all about power and control.

I worked social work, counseling, and 24-hour crisis lines for years. I repeatedly helped women and men leave their abusers, getting them into shelters/safe houses---only to have them call back in two months because they went back to the abuser and were being beaten yet again. It's a vicious cycle.

I don't know enough about either of the parties involved to comment on their particular case, but I hope that they prove the exception to the rule and are able to break out of this cycle.

After a period when both of us suspected that a VERY tightly wound fellow on our block was smacking his kids and spouse, my spouse actually witnessed an incident in which shouting escalated and Mr. Nasty slapped his spouse, grabbed her and shoved her into a car. The other woman at some later point stopped by our house and said to my spouse that Mr. Nasty "tried to kill me." My spouse told her that she should think about leaving Mr. Nasty. This transpired while I was out of town, and when I returned and heard about the incident, I told my spouse she was playing with fire. She felt she was being compassionate, but I saw Mr. Nasty as a threat to our entire family.

As it turned out, Mr. Nasty's spouse never darkened our door again. I suppose she didn't want to hear that her hubby was not going to change into a nice guy. It was a huge relief when they moved away.

I know there are all sorts of complicated reasons why a battered woman might stay with her husband, or why battered children might be protective of an abusive parent. I also know that some people are so scary that I'm not going to confront them about their behavior. Sometimes it's the police or the state that needs to be brought in.

Posted by: Terry | Mar 4, 2009 1:26:33 PM

I was not in a physically abusive relationship, but was in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship...

Posted by: Carla Axtman | Mar 3, 2009 10:18:16 PM

Probably because that has absolutely nothing to do with the topic. (yawn)

That was the point, I believe. Is that off topic?

("What did you do to make him hurt you?" "Why didn't you leave?"). It's called an abuse CYCLE for a reason.

Just like why people cling to parties and it's called the "election cycle".

Gee Carla, all I can say is that I've wanted to slap ya around a few times.

:)

After a period when both of us suspected that a VERY tightly wound fellow on our block was smacking his kids and spouse...

I had a simular neighbour in my neighbourhood. The only difference is when I and others reported the actions to Police, he countered with verbally harrassing us, suing us for not minding our own business, and sending his wife to the hospital after 'teaching her a lesson' in 'not involving the neighbors'.

I had to take time off work to testify in court in this matter and my job was in jeopardy because I was away a lot during the hearings and such. Made we wonder if actually being a 'good citizen' was worth the price of harrassment and a loss of a job.

Just FYI YoungOregonMoonbat and Amy Carter are purposely poking fun.(ergo: don't respond) Zarathustra seems to be the back up, and fluiddude has a really distorted sense of humor. Actually, fluiddude's lame attempts at a, hopefully, joke, are seriously immature,

As an adult male (me) who has known way too many women (ie more than 1) who have experienced this kind of abuse I wonder what will it take to make other males stand up and tell their abusive friends that the behavior is not ok. I think men have a very important supporting role to play in this drama. And don't misread me when I say drama.

It is very dramatic, and obviously traumatic, to force a choice on a woman to leave all she knows while her abusive partner gets to reign in comfort. As has been noted, no one hits on the first date. The ability to leave is pre conditioned on, well.....the ability to leave, which is usually stripped from the person who is being abused.

A message needs to be sent, repeatedly, loudly, and without equivocation, that abusive behavior (physical, emotional, or financial) is not going to be tolerated. As Oregon endures its recession, and household stresses increase, I sincerely hope that the dominant partners among us (male or female as the case may be) realize that your lack of control over external affairs does not give you the right to abuse someone. The well worn advice to take a 10 second time out is the most pedantic advise I can offer to abusers, but to the abused, I beg of you, do not suffer in silence. Tell someone! Once you recognize it yourself, by vocalizing it, you cease being a victim. You begin the hard road of recovery.

This is a community responsibility.

James Mattiace

Funny the shoes/power/woman's identity intersection.