David Bragdon: Funniest serious press release ever.

Editor's note: We don't normally publish entire press releases, but this is too good to pass up - and there's no real way to excerpt it and still do it justice. Note to campaigns: this is what a sense of humor looks like.

BRAGDON NOT TO RUN FOR MAYOR OF ANY CITY IN 2008

For Release: December 1, 2007

Metro Council President David Bragdon announced that he will not run for Mayor of Wilsonville, Milwaukie, West Linn, Damascus, Portland, Durham or any of the other cities in the metro region in 2008. “For some reason, people keep asking me about Mayors’ races,” Bragdon said. “Speculation is natural, because Mayor Hammerstad is retiring in Lake Oswego and Mayor Thalhofer has not announced his intentions in Troutdale. To end any suspense, I am announcing I will not run for anything in 2008.”

“Besides, there are already three well-qualified candidates for Mayor,” he observed, referring of course to Beaverton, where incumbent Mayor Rob Drake will face challenges from Councilor Bruce Dalrymple and Councilor Dennis Doyle in the May primary. “Voters in every city in the region deserve such a competitive choice,” Bragdon said.

Bragdon indicated he would stay in his current esoteric post until he figures out what his job is or his term expires, whichever occurs first. While recycling the canola oil in the popcorn popper outside the Oregon Zoo penguinarium as he does each Saturday, Bragdon shrugged, “I’ve got a decent gig, which has something to do with garbage and trees and the urban growth boundary, stuff like that, I guess.” He reminded reporters that the Metro Council also owns the Expo Center, and said one of his unrealized goals in office is to “hang out more at Expo with the fine ladies of the Rose City Rollers’ Derby.” He cited the Rollers as “the most awesomely kick-ass” of his agency’s many kick-ass stakeholders, ranging from environmentalists to real estate developers. “I care about the region’s quality of life,” he commented, “but this decision is about my own.”

Bragdon’s lack of qualification for city office was inadvertently revealed earlier this year when he failed to have his surgery televised and then did not champion a non-binding resolution appointing a 79-person task force to re-name S.E. Division Street as Gertrude Stein Boulevard. “Nor am I ready to handle the duct tape issue,” he admitted, “so I settle for little job satisfactions instead: like buying 5,000 acres of natural areas and preserving them forever, helping build one light rail line and getting another started, or leading one of the few governments in Oregon with a Double AAA financial rating.”

Bragdon’s only specific comment about the upcoming Mayoral transition came in a written statement issued from Camp David, the Metro Presidential hilltop weekend retreat near Oxbow Park: “The city is a better place because of Tom’s leadership. As Mayor, he focused relentlessly on the city’s economic health and downtown revitalization. Tom also converted ‘visioning’ into specific, practical actions. Indeed, Hillsboro will have big shoes to fill when Mayor Tom Hughes leaves office next year.”

Bragdon’s term as Metro Council President ends in January 2011, at which time he hopes to get a decent job in a hotel, preferably near the Oregon Convention Center.

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(Hat tip to Mercury Blogtown.) Discuss.