Dennis Moore rides again
T.A. Barnhart
If you, like me, did not read the "Yes on 43" portion of your voters' pamphlet, you missed one of the treats that come when anti-choice, anti-gay measures appear on the ballot. M. Dennis Moore (Special Righteousness Committee and the Traditional Prejudices Coalition) digs deep into his own pocket and submits his arguments in "favor" of the measure; and in the midst of a decidedly unfunny topic, Moore provides hilarity and insight.
For example, he notes that the Bible speaks repeatedly of life beginning when we breathe; ergo, abortion is not unbiblical (while, on the other hand, shaving is murder). Or there's this Pythonesque observation:
Every act of masturbation kills up to 500 million unborn lives. Every sperm is sacred! Just like abortion, masturbation murders soulless cells. There should be parental notification prior to masturbation.
You can read his three entries online, in the midst of the real anti-choice screeds (this year's common theme: I had an abortion once and I think it's icky); or you can read them here, below.
Thanks, Dennis.
THE BIBLE SAYS
God created Adam "and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became a living soul" (Genesis 2:7).
God says, "I will cause breath to enter into you, and ye shall live" (Ezekiel 37:5).
"The breath of the Almighty hath given me life" (Job 33:4).
LIFE IS SACRED!
Throughout the Bible, the presence of soul in the body coincides with breath (Isaiah 42:5; Ezekiel 37:5; Job 12:10; Job 27:3). "He giveth to all life, and breath" (Acts 17:25).
THE SOUL ENTERS THE BODY AT BIRTH WITH BABY'S FIRST BREATH.
And when "thou takest away their breath, they die" (Psalms 104:29). At death, God will "gather unto himself [mankind's] spirit and his breath" (Job 34:14).
Everywhere the Bible is clear that the soul enters the body at birth, coinciding with breath.
And nowhere does the Bible condemn abortion!
Life is sacred. But obviously a baby is not a distinct entity separate from its mother until it is born — when God gives it the breath of life and it becomes a living soul.
Abortion does not "kill" a soul — religious guilt-tripping notwithstanding. And even if the soul did enter the body before birth and breath, what kind of God would let "pre-born" souls be "killed" and not give them another chance at life? The "prolifers" have a really sick theology!
But the soulless fetus resembles a human! Well, so does a corpse. Actually, in its early developmental stages, the fetus resembles a fish and then a mammal. There's a car tunnel with exhaust markings that resemble the Virgin Mary. Do resemblances have souls? Shall we worship images? Idols of ourselves!
This argument began in favor, but having examined the biblical evidence, now we're forced to come to this conclusion:
RESPECT THE BIBLE!
And protect our teen daughters from fundamentalist stupidity!
VOTE NO ON 43!
(This information furnished by M. Dennis Moore, Special Righteousness Committee.)
LIFE IS SACRED!
At the moment of fertilization, cells begin to divide and multiply. Every cell contains our DNA — three billion pieces of genetic information. Every cell is sacred!
The 80 trillion cells in our body are dividing and multiplying all the time. And tragically, some cells die and are replaced. Why, God kills off several hundred billion of your red blood cells every day! But "Thou shalt not kill." Only God may kill your cells.
Every cell is sacred — sperm, egg, embryo, fetus, heart, hair, fingernail. Jesus said, "Even the hairs of your head are all numbered" (Matthew 10:30). Every cell is God's holy creation.
Although the Bible clearly indicates that the cells of the fetus have no soul separate from its mother (see previous argument), abortion nonetheless murders precious living cells.
According to Leviticus, a menstruating woman is unclean. She has wasted an unborn egg that could become a human life. The law should required parental notification of impending unborn uncleanliness.
Every act of masturbation kills up to 500 million unborn lives. Every sperm is sacred! Just like abortion, masturbation murders soulless cells. There should be parental notification prior to masturbation.
According to the Bible, beard shaving (Leviticus 19:27) is every bit as immoral as homosexuality! Just like abortion scrapes away life in the uterus, shaving violently scrapes away and murders millions of living skin cells. Barbershops should be required to give parental notification before committing shaving sin.
Did you know that slaughtering a sacred appendix causes it to feel pain?
The Bible says that children who fail to honor their parents should be stoned to death (Exodus 21:17). Implementing biblical law as Oregon public policy could effectively eliminate teenage abortion, appendectomy, shaving, and sperm-murder.
Every cell is sacred. Every cell — from soulless fetus to fingernail — is a precious life that must not be killed.
VOTE YES TO STOP THE SLAUGHTER OF THE HOLY HANGNAILS!
(This information furnished by M. Dennis Moore, Traditional Prejudices Coalition.)
MORALITY SHOULD BE PUBLIC POLICY
My friends, common sense dictates that morality should be enforced by legislation. But not just anybody's "morality." Our religion is right, and our morality is the only morality. Therefore, our beliefs should be law — anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-freedom. It is our sacred duty to interfere in other people's lives. Jesus' commandment to not judge others isn't for us!
AGREE WITH US OR BURN IN HELL!
This measure forces teenagers to bear the children of rapists and molesters, and a proposed 2008 initiative would ban all abortions with no exception to save the life of the mother! There can be no honest disagreement; you are simply wrong!
We've already prohibited religious freedom for gays to marry. And if you believe that the soul doesn't enter the body until birth (see my first argument), we will prohibit you from practicing your religious values.
RELIGIOUS FREEDOM IS LIBERTY FOR IMMORALITY!
Measure 43 further develops democratic dogma for, essentially, the official state religion, another Oregon innovation:
State beaches, the bottle bill, land-use planning, and now THE OREGON DOGMA!
Behold! Electoral theology prepares the way for a state god! We've got the beaver for a state animal. Wouldn't it be cool to elect our very own Oregon state god?
VOTE YES FOR THE OREGON RELIGION!
Postscript: They'll scream that these arguments are "deceptive." Rather than address the issues, they'll attack the satiric "in favor" placement, proving that they have no defense against the truth of their demagoguery. God doesn't care what page the truth is spoken on.
Jesus didn't mince any words ridiculing the hypocrisy of the religious-right scribes and Pharisees of his day. And when faced with the obnoxious modern-day Pharisees, I think the example of Jesus is a good one to follow!
Certainly they're right to want healthy families — but this measure is sadly misguided. Healthy families are founded on love, not legislation.
(This information furnished by M. Dennis Moore, Traditional Prejudices Coalition.)
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3:16 p.m.
Oct 26, '06
For those who might not get who "Dennis Moore" is a name check of, any fan of Monty Python can set you straight (pun noted) about the John Cleese portrayal of the Lupin absconding 18th century British highwayman and his ill-fated schemes to play at Robin Hood while not quite getting the concept fully.
"Dennis Moore" is, as Mr. Barnhart points out, one of the few high points in the antediluvian ballot measures pushed by the fright-wing theocons.
Oct 26, '06
Somewhere there is a saying, something like: "the first rule of whatever you are doing is cause no harm."
While some may find these humorous, they don't help the cause. I'm strongly No on 43--donated money and a little time--and the person(s) behind these Voter's Pamphlet statements just don't get it.
I could spend the next 10,000 words trying to explain why these statements hurt efforts to defeat Measure 43, but in the spriit of the post, I'll let 'Monty Python' have the last word:
"Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you say, "let me tell you something" and "I just want to say this"... well, you're dead now, so shut up."
The Reaper, from 'The Meaning of Life'
Morgan Allen
3:49 p.m.
Oct 26, '06
I actually would love to read your 10,000 word explaination, as I believe pointed satire is a very effective tool in addressing issues and a beinging to changing views and perceptions.
4:48 p.m.
Oct 26, '06
I agree with Morgan. I don't think people are in a joking mood when they consider 43. When I read these statements, I thought I'd have wriiten something like:
"We know you're reading this because you care about the safety and health of young women. But as much as we'd all like to think that a girl would be breaking the news to parents who would be disappointed but loving, and as much as we'd like to think the legal loophole is easy enough to maneuver in cases of abuse, the fact is, that if this measure passes, desperate girls will be beaten, choose unsafe abortions, or experience other frightening outcomes. Please vote no."
5:03 p.m.
Oct 26, '06
apparently you're not familiar with Moore. he's been doing this for some time. do you honestly think he'll turn a No vote to a Yes? his arguments from the Bible are both ridiculous and accurate (breath of life is a rich fundamentalist symbol, as opposed to zygote divisionizing). he wrote wonderful pieces "for" M36 2 years ago, and i almost hope these self-righteous jerks put more things on the ballot just so i can read more of his advocacy essays.
(man, i thought it was the neocons what had no sense of humor)
9:04 p.m.
Oct 26, '06
do I think HE will turn a yes vote into a no? No, I don't. But I don't think that's what he's aiming for. If someone wanted to grab a swing voter, I think (ahem) that my approach has a better shot.
Oct 26, '06
There is a substantial percentage of people who just don't get satire. It would be interesting to see if there is any correlation between such people and any kind of political leaning. My guess, however, is that there isn't a strong correlation and you will find people all across the political spectrum who have no feeling for satire.
If that is the case, then Moore's bogus broadsides should be detrimental to the ballot measures he pretends to support. If someone who doesn't get the satire reads his screeds, they will think he's a lunatic and be more likely to vote the other way, unless they are already a true believer.
And those who get the satire will also be more likely to vote against the measure, because they appreciate its wit.
I have to admit that Moore's 2006 offerings aren't up to par with the ones he did on Measure 36 in 2004. Those were classics. This time out, I think he should have used only the second submission, as the other two are more bizarre than satire.
Nevertheless, if he ever steps forward to solicit money for the Special Righteousness Commitee, I'll be glad to contribute a few bucks.
11:34 p.m.
Oct 26, '06
Oh, good grief. Isn't this election season grim enough, without dissing folks for using humor in a good cause? T.A., thanks for spreading the satirical word. Dennis Moore is very funny, and I'm always happy to have more intelligent satire in the world.
Nov 8, '06
Yes, M. Dennis Moore is a real person, and his Special Righteousness Committee has been a legal Oregon political action committee since 1992.
And yes, you can contribute to the committee to help pay off the campaign loan that paid for the arguments (you think someone that outrageous has $1,500 in his personal pocket?), per a recent fundraising letter. The letter indicates that contributions qualify for the state political contribution tax credit (totaling $50 single or $100 married). Election law requires name, address, a very specific occupational title, employer, and employer's city. You'll get a receipt to file with your 2006 Oregon tax return. The address is
Special Righteousness Committee P.O. Box 1851 Portland, OR 97207
<h2>Hey, thanks!</h2>