New Year's Resolutions

Joshua Gibson

It's that time of year, you hungover bastards.  Time to devote yourself to dramatic changes you will never achieve.  Here is my Resolution Scorecard for 2004.

1. I resolve not to quit smoking.  [It was a struggle, but I managed to go a full year without quitting.]

2. Become Secretary of Labor.  [Gave up when I realized the post had nothing to do with childbirth.]

3. Eat nothing but tacos.  [I broke down in June and ate a burrito.  In August, there was the nacho incident.  And just last week I ate two chimichangas.]

4. Start condom recyclying business.  [Went well until I was indicted for accounting irregularities.]

5. Don't get knocked up.  [A success, though my doctor claims this has more to do with my "lack of uterus" than with resolve.]

So, considering that last year's resolutions were a failure, what will I do this year?  Well, the President and I have a good deal in common and I'm thinking that if he thinks its a good idea to pursue political causes that have proven to be utter failures why shouldn't I?  I have some political capital of my own to spend.  And Secretary of Labor still has a mighty fine ring to it.

What are your resolutions, BlueOregon?

By Joshua Gibson Jan. 01, 2005